For a good portion of my life, addiction tricked me into thinking that countless other factors were the cause of my problems. It told me that the people around me were the problem or that I just had bad luck. It told me that the myriad problems that permeated my life were fixed and would never improve. I believed those lies for a long time. Not only did I believe them, I rarely questioned them. I let almost everything that was precious to me fall by the wayside. 

It wasn’t until I really started to examine the false beliefs that I had and started making decisions for myself, instead of letting my addiction decide, that my life started on a new trajectory. The family and friends that my addiction told me didn’t care about me, in fact, cared very much about me. The future that my addiction told me was nonexistent started to brighten. 

I can proudly say today that addiction is a liar and it’s my choice whether to believe those lies or not. 

Back in the 80's I used to tell everyone that I wish there was more of my drug around, then came cocaine.  My first hit was the best, then every one after that was never enough. I became addicted and quit.  20 years later,  methamphetamine came around.  It was a wonder drug to me.  It was partially equivalent to the medication they gave me for ADHD.

This was my lie.  I convinced myself that it was medication.  I used it sparingly, thinking it was OK.  I tried to convince everyone around me that they should accept my drug of choice since it was close to the psycho-stimulant prescribed for ADHD.

When in fact, it is illegal and it is not the same.  It pushed me so far out of my normal life that I gave up my job, my family, and my home.  I became homeless and had many stays in jail or in prison.  I now have a record with 15 felonies, and have been to prison 4 times.  It was a lie.  

I was a single mother of two young kids, and trapped in a nightmare that led to the horror of being viciously attacked in 2012. The aftermath of everything that followed just broke me, and I made the poor choice of trying to escape life by numbing myself with meth. Even though I succeeded when it came to that goal, I let it consume me. I didn't care about my life, my kids, my family, my job, my home, my car, and eventually my freedom. Once I went to prison I saw what/who I had allowed drugs to turn me into and I knew the lie. Drugs don't help you in any kind of way, even if it's to mask the pain....it takes that pain and multiplies it so much that it even gets to hurt those you love most and worst of all, it's by you. 

Thankfully, when I served my debt to society, I was forced to regain clarity and see myself and what I had done for its true value. I definitely didn't like me. So I did the steps, learned to appreciate the little goals I could set for myself one day at a time, until I was ready and able to take a chance to try something new. 

I now have been out of prison for almost a year and a half. I bought a car, I'm married, I have custody of my eldest son, I have a new son, I have an amazing and challenging career, and am in the process of buying a house! Now don't think everything is just sunshine and rainbows for me now, I still struggle, and the lie of drugs numbing some anger or frustration or even to celebrate a success, still enters my mind...just a little won't hurt, it feels good, no one has to know, I can control it.

NO

And one day at a time even still, for that's the only thing I really can control, that's making the decision to not use, to be who I deserve to be. I hope you all can make the same decision no matter how hard some moments in time may be, drugs definitely won't help but multiply the anguish, and YOU deserve better.